4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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