I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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