I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
