So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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