I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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