I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
