Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
