I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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