i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
