God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
