so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
