made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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