I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
