I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
