I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
