you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
