the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
