I didn't shave. On purpose
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I smell stomach acid.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
