Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
