There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
