i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm sobbing to NWA
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
