Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
