don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
