Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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