Soap is not a condiment
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
