he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
