Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
