Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Alive.
So much puke
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
