he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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