Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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