her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
