So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
