woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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