I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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