dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I will be naked everywhere
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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