Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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