Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
