Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
