Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
