...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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