yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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