I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
