I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just forgot I was standing up.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
