dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
