I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
