Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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