the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
