This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
