Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
