you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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