While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
