Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
