So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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