Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
