wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
